Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize