So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My hand turned me down
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
