She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
