My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
