Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
