Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
