help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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