I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
