Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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