I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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