On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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