Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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