I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
