as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize