I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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