I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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