So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
