It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
