ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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