if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
