I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
