i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
