3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize