i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
