connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize