well I can't set my house on fire every night
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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