he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
