if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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