cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
