What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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