I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
