Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
