I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
