am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
should my penis look like a turkey
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
