Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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