she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
