Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
