Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
