we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
