someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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