According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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