I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
