i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize