I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
