highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
