I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
