Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
