WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't turn off my feet"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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