I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
