Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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