The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
