In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize