U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish my penis had an off switch
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
