Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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