So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
