Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize