Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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