Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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