So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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