Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
